Dating: it’s a jungle out there, and that’s for people with more conventionally accepted body types. As a curvy woman, plus size dating may leave you with a lot of anxieties about dating, either online or off. Will your body get shamed? Are you being fetishized for your body type? How do you navigate the world of dating as a plus-size woman?
Here are some tips for accepting the good, the bad, and the ugly that comes with dating when plus-sized:
- Don’t skirt around your size with your online profile
- But choose flattering photos that make you look and feel your best
- If anyone has anything bad to say about your body, kick ‘em to the curb
- Remind yourself that rejection happens to everyone
- Beware of plus-size fetishists
- Love yourself above all else and the rest will follow
Keep reading for more on these great tips. Whether you’re just wading back into the dating pool, you’re seeing what your options are, or you’re about to go steady with someone, the information in this article is for you!
6 Great Tips for Plus Size Dating
- Be Upfront about Your Size in Your Dating Profile
Have you ever seen the MTV show Catfish? Catfishing online refers to hiding any aspect of yourself. That can include your gender, your looks, your size, your job, your house, even your personality (such as whether you have children or really drive that sleek sports car).
People generally don’t appreciate being lied to. When you catfish someone, that’s exactly what you’re doing, lying. You may feel uncomfortable disclosing your size when filling out your online dating profile, so you fudge it a little.
Some dating sites use vague terms like “athletic” or “voluptuous” to describe body types. It can be tempting to try to slim down in your description and choose old photos from when you were two sizes smaller. This may make you feel good at the moment, but it’s not going to help you find a partner.
When you finally meet with the person you were talking to, they’re going to be more than dismayed to discover you lied about your size. Perhaps you being plus-size would have been no big deal to them had you been upfront about it, but since you lied, you killed the chances of being with this person.
Instead of shying away from your size, disclose it where necessary and then move on. You’re a whole person with interests, passions, and dreams. Your size plays a very small role in who you are. Acknowledge that role, then paint the rest of the picture of who you are outside of your size. That’ll surely attract some great people to your online dating profile.
- Pick the Pictures That Show Your Best You
Women of any size agonize over which pictures to put on an online dating profile. You don’t want too many selfies, because then it makes you look like you don’t have friends. Yet in your photos with friends, you want to look like the most attractive one. You shouldn’t use nothing but Snapchat filter photos, because those are deceptive, yet a makeup-less shot of you first thing in the morning is the wrong route as well.
Here’s what we’d recommend: follow the same rules everyone else does for choosing dating photos. That means a few selfies, a picture or two with friends, a full-body pic, and then a couple of photos of you enjoying yourself, be that on vacation or engaged in your favorite hobby.
Rather than focusing on the size of your arms or how your stomach looks in the photos you choose, instead prioritize uploading shots that best show who you are as a person. That doesn’t mean pick unflattering pictures, but ones that reflect as much joy as they do beauty.
- Don’t Tolerate Body Judgment and Shaming
Okay, so your dating profile is up and active. You’ve gotten a handful of messages, and a few of those messages have progressed to texting and even some dates. Woohoo! Perhaps things have gone even further, in that you’ve seen a person a few times and you’re thinking maybe a romantic relationship can blossom between the two of you.
Then they say something rude about your body.
Perhaps it’s your date gently encouraging you to order a salad instead of a steak, or making comments about how much you ate. Body shaming can also be more direct, such as a date or partner saying they wished you were thinner.
You can also get very overt body-shaming messages like this dating story gone wrong, and that makes it really easy to cut the cord.
Other times, the body shaming is so subtle that you brush it off. Surely, when your date told you to eat a salad, they were just concerned about your health, right?
Before you make the jump into the world of dating, it’s best if you make a promise to yourself. That promise should be that no matter when it happens if your partner shames your body, you’re done.
Yes, sometimes that means dumping dates the first time you meet them, and other times it means giving up on what could have been a relationship. It sucks, but it’s for the best.
Tolerating body shaming, no matter how inconspicuous it can sometimes seem, will only give your partner the green light to make more mean comments in the future. These comments will likely get more severe. No more does your partner suggest eating a salad, but now they’re telling you that you look fat in that outfit.
If you already wrestle with low self-esteem, being with someone like this can tank your confidence even further. Depending on how long you spend with a body shamer, it can take months or years to rebuild your belief in yourself.
Even if you’re a very confident woman, someone tearing you down all the time will begin to chip away at your self-esteem until there’s nothing left.
You want to be with a partner who lifts you up, who respects, appreciates, and admires your body. Hold out until you find that person. The wait will be worth it.
- Learn How to Handle Rejection
Rejection happens all the time in dating. Sometimes you don’t know what happened, and sometimes, you wish you didn’t know, because your date tells you so bluntly that your self-esteem takes a nosedive.
As a plus-size woman, it becomes very easy to automatically assume that every date who doesn’t want to see you again is turning you down because of your weight. You’re self-conscious about it, so that must be the reason, right?
Yet you don’t know if it’s because of your weight unless your date explicitly says so. Without any reason for them telling them you why they don’t want to see you again, you feel forced to fill in the blanks. You then use your worldview to assume what went wrong.
If you weighed less than you do now, would you still assume the date went badly because of your weight? Or would you begin looking at the bigger picture? You have to do the same thing as a plus-size woman.
You’ve probably rejected some dates yourself in your life. Think back to why you may have done it. Perhaps it was that their schedule seemed really busy since they’re always working. Maybe they were dishonest in their profile about having a child. You later find out they have kids and you’d prefer to date someone childless.
You also might find that you don’t like their fashion sense, or they have views that oppose yours on issues that are very important to you.
Those are all viable reasons to discontinue seeing someone. Dating can be like trying on dresses until you find the one. You know right away which dresses don’t fit, and sometimes you think one fits until you realize that it doesn’t.
You might not be compatible with someone else for any of those same reasons you’ve rejected dates in the past. Perhaps your schedule doesn’t mesh with theirs, or you two can’t agree on anything, or you have nothing in common.
If your date told you they didn’t like your political opinion, would you feel inclined to change that opinion? More than likely not. You’d say goodbye and go your separate ways.
If a date is ever brazen enough to say it’s your figure they’re not attracted to, you shouldn’t feel inclined to change that, either. Instead, you want to keep dating around, as hard as it can be, until you find someone who loves everything about you.
By the way, it is okay for someone to not like your body. You probably turned down a few dates because you dislike their voice, or their face, or even their height. If you can express this in a respectable way (or better yet, don’t say anything about someone’s looks at all), then it’s a valid reason to stop dating someone.
You don’t want to be with a person who’s not attracted to you, after all, just as you wouldn’t want to be with someone you’re not attracted to. Just break it off gently and be on your way.
- Choose Someone Who Loves, Not Fetishizes, Your Body
Sometimes, you can have the opposite problem. Instead of being rejected, you find that certain people in the dating pool go absolutely gaga for your body type. At first, this is incredibly flattering, and it certainly gives your self-esteem a huge boost.
Then the conversations get creepy. This person begins asking you to wear certain outfits, including lingerie, and seems to be devoted to your body more than you’re comfortable with.
Plus-size fetishists are unfortunately very much a thing. These people will absolutely worship the ground you walk on, but not in the way you want them to. The feelings are borne out of some deep-seated sexual attraction that has nothing to do with you, but rather, women like you in general.
Being with someone like this can pose several problems. They may ask you to do things you don’t want, such as take photos or videos or engage in sexual acts that make you feel awkward. If you happen to lose any weight, be that intentionally or unintentionally, this person could get upset with you because they want you to stay the way you are now. The same could be true if you gain weight.
It can be hard to sniff out the fetishists early on in the dating process. Once you get to know this person a bit better though, you can generally tell whether they’re into you or anyone who looks like you.
As nice as it can be to spend time with a plus-size fetishist at first, it’s not good for you to stick with this person in the long run. Amicably split and keep searching for someone who actually loves your body, but not to the point of fetishism. They should also be quite enamored with the rest of you!
- Love Yourself Above All Else
One saying you should abide by as you date is “you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself.”
By loving, accepting, and respecting yourself above all else, you tolerate very little of people not treating you right. This in turn tells others how you expect to be treated, which is like the wonderful woman you are.
If your confidence is lacking, either because of some bad dates or your size, it’s worth it to spend some time amending this issue first. Feeling unbreakably strong in yourself will make it easier to shake off rejection and not make everything about your size.
You just may find that when you focus more on self-love that the right person comes along. Even if that doesn’t happen immediately, you’re now in the right position to find the potential love of your life.
Conclusion
Dating as a plus-size woman may be fraught with more difficulties than someone smaller experiences, as you have to worry about body shamers and fetishists. Don’t get us wrong though, it’s absolutely possible to find a great partner no matter your size. You just have to be honest with yourself about who you are, maintain your confidence, and learn to accept rejection. Best of luck!
